Hey -

Thanks for this. No, I wasn't trying to make myself feel better, but I'm a vain asshole, so I'm sure everything I say comes off that way. If I wanted to make myself feel better, I wouldn't have owned up to being a fuckwit with you and let sleeping dogs lie. But I was a fuckwit, and I lied about not using you, and you deserve/deserved to know that you were right.

Here's hoping I was the last of the fuckwits.

Have a good new year, Krishna.

-W

I don't celebrate Christmas but the end of the year always makes me feel like I should tie up all my loose ends. It's never actually possible, but the feeling's there anyway.

Thanks for your letter, I guess. The reason it took me such a long time to get back to you is because I was really pissed off, obviously, and because I felt like your apology was really just you trying to make yourself feel better. I still feel like that, but it's not like I was totally blameless, so I guess I owe you something, too.

I'm sorry for throwing a fit. Not just in public, even though that was even more fucking embarrassing and awful than it would have been otherwise, but I mean in general. I really am sorry for approaching you like there was some kind of point to it, or like it would fix anything. It was just two months ago, not even, but I can't remember exactly why I was so upset in the first place, to be honest. I had known going into things that we didn't want the same things. And you're right, it wasn't actually you I wanted, just like it wasn't me you wanted. (Thanks for the validation, by the way; it was nice to hear that I wasn't actually losing my fucking mind when it came to where your affections actually were even though you were being so romantic with me.) I shouldn't have read into your behaviour. I know that. I knew that even while I was shouting like a fucking lunatic in a place I already definitely didn't belong. I was deluded by my own inability to find my chill. And yeah, you could have maybe not fed into that so much, but whatever. It's mostly on me.

Anyway, I don't really know what the point of this is. I guess it's to say: hey, I got your letter, I fucked up too, have a nice life. Now that I have a little distance, I can even say that I'm only partially bitter about that last bit.

Krishna